Lifestyle - The Art of Love

#AskAFriend: Why Do I Keep Going Back To My Ex?


Why do I keep going back to my ex -If you find your current self caught in the endless cycle of going back to your ex, even when it seems like the worst decision, fret not; I know exactly what you are talking about. Isn’t it like a magnetic force pulling you back into their arms?

Perhaps it’s the comfort of familiarity or the hope that things will be different this time, or maybe it’s the fear of being alone or the lingering feelings that refuse to fade away. Whatever the reason, it’s essential that you recognize the patterns and ask yourself what truly drives you back before it’s too late. 

Let’s be real; it’s time to break the cycle and stop playing the same old song on repeat. So, let’s put on our detective hats and figure out why you keep hitting that “back to ex” button.  

You Are Protecting Yourself From The Inevitable Pain Of Loss

You might act all tough among your friends, but deep down, we humans are wired to avoid pain and seek comfort. One possible reason for returning to that toxic ex could be your subconscious attempt to shield yourself from the pain of loss. If you are the caring one in the relationship and get emotionally attached too easily, just know that breaking up with someone you care about is never easy. (P.S. This is not your weakness.)

By returning to your ex, you can only temporarily escape the sharp sting of loneliness and heartache that comes with saying goodbye. It’s a way of seeking solace in what’s familiar, even if it means delaying the inevitable healing process. However, it’s important to remember that true healing will only begin once you face the pain head-on and allow yourself to grow from it. It might be difficult, but it will be temporary. 

You Fear Being Alone

Let’s face it, being alone can be scary. We all crave companionship and connection. The fear of being alone can play a significant role in why you keep going back to your ex. You might be reasoning to yourself that it’s better to be with someone, even if they’re not right for you than to face the unknown loneliness that awaits the post-breakup period. 

You are not wrong; the familiarity and comfort of a past relationship can seem like a safe haven, shielding you from the uncertainties of singlehood. However, it’s crucial to remember that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. It’s high time you understand the difference between these two terms. Embracing solitude will not only allow you to rediscover yourself and develop self-love but also attract healthier relationships in the future.

You Feel Guilty And End UP Blaming Yourself

Did you know guilt is one of the strongest emotions that we, human beings, feel? Guilt is like that one friend who always shows up uninvited and overstays their welcome. It can really mess with our heads, especially when it comes to considering getting back with an ex.

Are you blaming yourself for the relationship’s failure? Do you believe that if only you had done things differently, the relationship could have worked out? It’s guilt and self-blame. This self-blame can create a false sense of responsibility and lead you to seek reconciliation to alleviate the guilt. 

However, it’s important to remember that relationships are a two-way street, and placing all the blame on yourself is not fair or healthy. Even if you go back and try to fix it, which is never an ideal choice, there’s a high probability you will not get a similar response from your partner and end up getting even more disappointed. And eventually, there will come a point when the self-blame becomes too intense that you will start doubting your potential to be a good partner.

So before you start blaming yourself and decide to go back, learn from your past mistakes and focus on personal growth, embracing the opportunity for a fresh start.

You Make Impulsive Decisions Blurred By Your Emotions

Emotions have a way of clouding our judgment, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Going back to your ex can often be driven by impulsive decisions influenced by intense emotions. When you are in the midst of longing, nostalgia, and loneliness, you may act impulsively without fully considering the reasons why the relationship ended in the first place. 

In this scenario, the first step is realizing the problem. It’s important to take a step back and evaluate the situation objectively. Give yourself time to process your emotions and make decisions based on clarity rather than temporary feelings. Remember, true growth and happiness come from making thoughtful choices rather than acting solely on impulse.

You Seek Familiarity And Fear Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Most of the reasons attached to this vicious cycle are related to the after-effects of the breakup. When you decide to break off the relationship, it requires you to come out of your comfort zone. And to be honest, stepping out of our comfort zone can be intimidating. 

When it comes to relationships, we often find solace in what is familiar and known. Going back to your ex may stem from the desire to cling to the comfort of a past connection, even if it wasn’t entirely healthy. The unknown territory of starting anew can be daunting, leading you to prefer the familiar despite its flaws. 

If you keep going back to your ex because you are afraid of what comes next or you were too stuck with that one relationship in your life that it had distorted your individuality, and now you don’t know how to confront the uncertain future, you need to have a good talk with yourself. 

You must understand that personal growth and fulfillment lie outside your comfort zones. Embrace the uncertainty, take a leap of faith, and open yourself up to new experiences and relationships. True happiness awaits beyond the confines of what you already know.

You Get Jealous When You See Them With Somebody Else

Another powerful emotion is jealousy, especially when it comes to seeing your ex with someone new. It’s natural to feel a pang of envy or possessiveness when you witness your former partner moving on. This jealousy may fuel the desire to go back to your ex, hoping to reclaim what you once had and avoid the pain of seeing them with someone else.

At this point, you must recall the reasons why you left them in the first place and why they are not good for you. Your ex getting involved with another person doesn’t mean you were wrong. Also, it’s not a sign to rush into a relationship to prove to your ex that you are worthy of love. Remember that you have to protect your peace.

Besides, jealousy is a reflection of your own insecurities and unresolved feelings. Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on your own growth and happiness. Trust that the right person will come along when the time is right, and you will find your own path to moving on.

#AskAFriend: Why Do I Keep Going Back To My Ex?

How To Stop This Vicious Cycle?

Breaking up with your ex is like breaking a bad habit – it requires self-awareness, patience, and a whole lot of willpower. But trust me, the end result is worth it. So, dust off your dating skills and get ready to embrace new experiences that align with your fabulous self. Here are some practical tips to help you kick your ex to the curb and make room for the next best thing.

1 – Know That It’s Normal To Grieve A Loss:   Breakups are tough, but remember: the only way out is through. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, from sadness to anger to confusion. Just don’t go full Taylor Swift and write a breakup album about it. Acknowledge that the end of a relationship is a loss, and it’s natural to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with it—sadness, anger, confusion—without judgment. Give yourself permission to heal.

2 – Understand Your Emotions And Deal With Them Practically: Take time to reflect on why you keep going back to your ex. What needs or desires are not being met? Find healthier ways to address those emotions, such as engaging in self-care activities, seeking support from loved ones, or even therapy.

3 – Give Yourself Time And Don’t Rush Into Decisions: Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Avoid making impulsive decisions driven by temporary emotions. Allow yourself to process your thoughts and feelings before considering reconnecting with your ex.

4 – Remember The Past, But Don’t Romanticize It: It’s common to remember the good times and idealize the past, but it’s essential to also recall the reasons why the relationship ended. Remind yourself of the issues, conflicts, and unmet needs that led to the breakup. Be realistic about the challenges you faced in your past relationship.

5 – Avoid Going To Places Where You Suspect Their Presence: To break the cycle, minimize your exposure to situations that could trigger memories or tempt you to seek contact with your ex. This includes avoiding places where you suspect they might be, at least until you’ve healed and gained more emotional stability.

6 – Don’t Talk About Them With Your Friends: While seeking support from friends is valuable, repeatedly discussing your ex can hinder your progress. And while venting to friends can be cathartic, constantly talking about your ex is like picking at a scab – it only prolongs the healing process. Instead, focus on your own growth and discuss topics that uplift and inspire you.

7 – Don’t Compare Others To Them: Avoid comparing potential partners to your ex. Each person is unique, and holding others to the standards or expectations of your previous relationship can prevent you from forming healthy connections.

8 – Change Your “I-Can-Fix-It” Mentality: Often, the desire to go back to an ex stems from a belief that you can fix the problems and make the relationship work. Recognize that you cannot change another person or the dynamics of the relationship alone. You’re no Bob the Builder, and relationships are far more complicated than Legos. Shift your focus to personal growth and finding a healthier, fulfilling relationship in the future.

9 – Remind Yourself Why You Left It In The First Place: When tempted to go back to your ex, remind yourself of the reasons why the relationship ended. Recall the challenges, incompatibilities, and negative patterns that led you to make the difficult decision to break up. Stay committed to your own well-being and growth.

If You Need Any Advice,

In case you are looking for relationship advice and need an objective opinion to make some crucial decisions, you can always let me know by commenting here or DM us on Instagram!

Get ready to meet your relationship rockstar and confidant, Laila! She is not your typical advisor—think of her as your ultimate BFF in matters of the heart. With a truckload of experience and a heart full of empathy, Laila has your back through the crazy rollercoaster of love. She'll dish out solid advice, share hilarious stories, and lend a listening ear whenever you need it. Get ready to embark on an epic journey of love, laughter, and lifelong friendship with Laila by your side!

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